So, I have a lot of feelings about asexual Dean. Let’s talk about that.
I know that for a lot of people, and admittedly me as well, when you identify with something, and you identify with another thing, you often try to combine the two. I dunno if I’ve ever, per se, identified with Dean Winchester but I have always been extremely fond of him. It was Sam I identified with, I think that’s why I was constantly trying to turn him into a woman and also a lesbian whenever I wrote him, that’s how I liked him best.
But Dean, he always seemed to be the person I wanted to love me, you know, in a hypothetical world, so I often utilized Adam to achieve these ends and I so I think that’s probably why the Dean/Adam pairing so appealed to me. Adam was such a blank slate when he was introduced and so yeah.
I’m not entirely sure I set out to say any of that cuz it’s kinda…super personal, gosh…
But anyways, so ace!Dean is important to me. Not just cuz I figured out recently that I’m ace but because now that I’ve imagined it, I can no longer UNSEE it. I just can’t.
Imagine a Dean who craves emotional and physical connection in a non-sexual way. Remember that people respond to him in a noticeably sexual way, and also that Jensen has mentioned or hinted at that he believes that at one point when Dean was younger he resorted to prostitution and sex work to make enough money to survive and support Sammy. Dean clearly learned the use of his looks early on and the way in which people responded to him. Being a survivalist he learned how to use this to his advantage and even figured that despite the fact that he seemed to be really good at this whole sex thing, he never seemed to enjoy it. What he liked was the part after, where he got to be close to someone physically, and emotionally close to someone in an affectionate way.
Let’s propose that in this line of thought he learns quickly that people don’t like skipping straight to the after part that Dean likes best, and he figures that what he has to give up in order to get to the part he likes is the sex no matter how little he enjoys it, which is not at all. After repeated reinforcements from frequent experience that people only appreciate him for his sexual value, Dean starts to believe it.
Enter Castiel (or Adam, ya know, for the sake of my shipping purposes), who only seems to appreciate him for the exact opposite. He appreciates Dean for everything else about him, his soul, his emotions, his intellect, for everything that he is---(except the part Dean doesn’t care about). Even though he never truly looks at Dean in a sexual way, Dean jokes about it, tries to point it out, possibly I believe because it’s something familiar. Even if it’s something he doesn’t like, and probably resents, it’s easier because it’s something he knows how to deal with. This other thing, the whole looking at Dean like he’s everything that fixes the world and holds it together for Castiel, that is something that makes Dean so happy it scares the shit out of him.
So Dean makes jokes and he pulls away and he doesn’t trust Cas all the way, until he does and when Cas lets him down it just absolutely wrecks him. I mean, it wrecks him just as much as when Sammy lets him down. Which this is also an important comparison for me because clearly I ship wincest (just not the main obvious one, I ship the other wincest, lol), but I think that ace!Dean makes wincest make so much more sense.
I’ve read so many fics where Dean is sub or bottom simply because even though he obviously loves Sam in that way he can’t justify or make sense of fucking his little brother. It makes him feel like he’s hurting him or that what he’s doing is wrong and he can only rationalize it if he’s letting Sam do something, if Sam is the dominant one taking action.
Now, if we’re using this logic where Dean would do that because he loves Sam in a romantic way, or a very deep intense way, and it’s the sex part that upsets him, but it’s sort of a part of the deal…wouldn’t ace!Dean make sense here? Like, doesn’t it make it make more sense for Dean to not quite cotton on at first to romantic love, because, hey, it’s not like he wants to have sex wit Sam, so it’s obviously just brotherly love…
Think of all the possibilities for fic, with that. Just…let that percolate a bit.
But so…now pretty much ace!Dean gives me life, and is my everything and now I need to write all the fic.